Depression, Illness, Anxiety and Change.

It's been a while since last I wrote anything, anywhere. I can honestly say that this has been the worst year of my life, even though so many positive things have happened to me. My health continues to deteriorate for unknown reasons, and for a while, I wasn't even sure if I was going to make it. Getting back to some semblance of my old life was suggested by friends and doctors alike, and this blog was one of the things that I really enjoyed doing so it's a nice place to start.

NOT ALONE

This is going to be a personal post to share what I've been dealing with and how my illness has affected me, my social life, my work, and those around me. So bear with me while I get this off my chest before I continue babbling about Magic the Gathering and Comic books as is my "normal" routine for this site...

I guess what motivated me the most to draw up a chair and sit down at the keyboard again was a friend / acquaintance (who's name I can't remember for the life of me, but he's a super nice guy... sorry if you read this, and THANK YOU!) approached me and asked why I haven't written in so long.

Me: "Well, a really good friend of mine was recently murdered..."
Him: "Yea, I saw you wrote about that, but why aren't you still writing?"
Me: "Well, I've been feeling really sick for a long time..."
Him: "But you're still here and alive, so why not write? I really enjoyed your work."

At the time, him asking me these questions actually got me kind of angry and defensive, though I didn't really understand why it'd make me feel that way. Why was he pressing me on this subject? Didn't he just hear me say that I friend of mine died and that I was sick? What part of that was so hard to understand?

It wasn't actually until a week or two later when I really thought about it. Why wasn't I writing anymore? I used to love it so much. Why wasn't I out walking my dog more, or playing more magic with my friends, or painting Warhammer figurines, or picking up a phone more often just to talk with people?

I didn't have an answer.

Depression does funny things to you, and I find it hard to explain how it literally sucks all the motivation and will to live right out of you. Things like walking, writing, leaving your house; things that people take for granted everyday seem impossible. Having a positive attitude about the entire situation even less likely. I've been asked: "Well, why don't you just decide to be happy?", as though there were a magical switch I could flick in my brain that would just make everything better and solve all my problems. As much as I wish that switch existed, it doesn't, and everyday is a fight to regain some of my "normal" life and routine back again, even though the road is fraught with pain and confusion for everyone involved, especially myself.

UPDATES

For the past year I've been feeling sick, dizzy and nauseous every single day. My blood pressure has been anywhere from normal (120/80) to extremely high (160+/100+) and my anxiety levels have been through the roof. I'm on / have been on so many medications it's hard to remember them all, but the underlying cause of my problem(s) seem to be currently diagnosed as anxiety and depression, thought I've still got tests booked right through February 2013.

Anxiety. I can understand the anxiety. Things are so messed up in my body / mind right now that I doubt ANYONE wouldn't be afflicted with some degree of severe anxiety disorder with what I'm going through. So I take my 9x pills a day as instructed and go to my doctors appointments and listen to what they have to say.

Depression however... depression I have a problem understanding.

When someone looks at me from the outside, they see a healthy looking blonde haired, blue eyed 6'3" male in great shape. They see that I have a good job (even though I've been on disability in some manner or another since February 2012), an amazing and sexy girlfriend, my own house, lots of creature comforts and an abundance of friends. They can't see what's happening inside of me, which often leads them to the same confused thoughts that I have: "How can this guy who has EVERYTHING be depressed?". 

And that's why I'm still fighting for answers. That's why I refuse to just sit here and accept the diagnosis when so many other pains and problems are occurring inside of me. Things I can't explain, nor can the plethora of doctors I've seen and tests I've had done. I think the worst part of this whole ordeal is just not knowing what's going on. If they said to me: "Carl, you have kidney cancer, we need to operate." or "Your thyroid isn't functioning properly so these pills will help balance your hormones." I'd be MUCH happier than with the current: "We don't know what's going on, but we THINK it's anxiety / depression, we'll continue to monitor you and run tests...". The uncertainty itself is LITERALLY KILLING ME.

THE KILLING JOKE

I'm a little ashamed to admit that there have been times when I've hurt so bad, both physically and mentally, that I've thought it would never end. With all the pain and suffering I was going through, I thought that life wasn't worth it, and that I'd be better off dead. What kind of life is it to stay home 24/7 lying in bed feeling sick and dizzy, throwing up at random intervals for days on end and losing weight when you're already underweight to begin with? Food tastes terrible and makes you feel sick, so you resort to mechanically eating the most bland slop you can find in the hopes to just keep it down. Standing / movement is a faint disembodied feeling like you could pass out at any second, and even when you're feeling better and are thinking to yourself: "Today is going to be a good day!" the thought is snatched from you in a wave of dizziness that comes from nowhere and sticks around juuussttt long enough for you to lose hope again.

Now don't get me wrong, I have way too much to live for and would NEVER hurt myself, so that's another reason why those thoughts are so scary to me. So please don't think this post is a desperate plea for help or a cry for attention, because it isn't. It's a way for me to help understand what I'm going through right now and share with others who may also be experiencing the same feelings of despair that I am. Because I'm sure I'm not alone out there...

MOVING FORWARD

Although everyday is a struggle, I am still positive and hopeful that things will get better. I've taken quite a few steps to better myself and I think (hope) that in time I can get to the bottom of whatever it is that's happening and go on with my life like a productive and happy member of society. Some of the beneficial things that becoming so sick have helped me realize is that life is finite and precious, and it's easy to take health for granted. You can be as rich and powerful as you'd like, but if you don't have your health, you've got nothing. NOTHING. So it has helped me take a few steps that I know I should have done a long time ago.

I've quit smoking pot, and turn down the occasional Friday night cigarette I used to enjoy between matches at FNM. I quit drinking, though I still enjoy the occasional glass of beer or wine with my boys / girlfriend. I've learned to meditate to help control some of the fear and anxiety I experience (Breath in for 4... hold it for 4... breath out for 4... hold it for 4...), and I make an effort to go out into the world despite my fears and pain.

I'm also talking about it more openly instead of holding everything inside and expecting people to telepathically understand what it's like / what I'm going through... hence this post.

MAYBE WISHES DO COME TRUE

I honestly want to get better. Being home and not working may seem like a lot of fun, but I wouldn't hesitate for a SECOND to go back to the grind if it meant I could feel well again. I wouldn't wish this on anybody, and believe me when I say my heart goes out to all of you who may be going through the same things that I am. It's no way to live.

But on that note, what options are there for us? There are really only two: Live... or die. No matter how bad things get, I choose to live. And I choose this for myself, not for friends or family. I choose it for myself. I feel this is an important distinction because staying alive for other people is just another setback to the state of mind I'd need to truly recover.

There are still a lot of obstacles I need to overcome and testing that needs to be done before I'll truly know what is (or isn't?) wrong with me. But by believing in myself and having such amazing support all around me I honestly feel like I can beat this.

I will never lose hope again.

I will make a conscious choice to live and love life.

I will succeed and I will get better.

Stay strong friends. Whatever may ail you, you can overcome.it.

Love,

Carl Szalich