Confessions & Apologies…

Confession:

I haven’t played constructed MTG in at least 3 weeks now. I still don’t have a Standard deck put together, though I finally got most of the cards that I need.

Apology:

I consider myself as a fair, level headed trader, but I messed up big time this past Friday. There was someone I didn’t know at Imperial Hobbies where I’d gone to trade on Friday and meet new people. He took a LONG time looking through my binder, and when he’d finally found a ton of cards he was interested in and I asked him what he valued them at, he replied: “$20 for it all”. While that wasn’t the WORST offer, I felt that it was a lowball offer, and after all the time that I’d waited for him to finish looking at my binder I was a little frustrated. “I value them a lot higher than that” was my snooty reply as I put the cards back in my binder.

We DID end up doing a small trade later, but I consider myself lucky that it managed to happen. I lost my patience and could have lost a trading partner. I should have at least asked what he valued his cards at, as maybe he all of the cards low, including his own? Maybe I could have just told him: “I value these a little higher, still want to trade?” Instead I pulled a bitch move and could have lost a trading partner forever. I wouldn’t have wanted to deal with a jerk like me! I’m going to have to make it a mission to hunt this guy down next week and make him a good offer to apologize for being such a d-bag :S.

Confession:

I’m trying to foil out a Werewolf deck so that I can have “double” the normal amount of foils because of the flip cards. I WILL be the foiliest deck out there!

Apology:

To my girlfriend. I drag her to sooooo many different stores, and while she does complain, she still comes with me… what a trooper! <3

Confession:

I started buying a few Warhammer figures for the “Daemons of Chaos” faction. I don’t know how much I’ll actually PLAY the game, but I miss painting those little miniatures and Demons look pretty awesome when they’re done! More skulls for the Skull throne! More Blood for the Blood god! Lol.

Apology:

I showed James Wegg my “Foil Binder” aka the “Make James Wegg Drool” binder. James, I’m sorry that you can no longer dream of anything else, but once Pandora’s binder has been opened, it can never be closed again! :P

Confession:

I haven’t won a MTGO draft in 3+ weeks. Lots of 2-1’s, but no 3-0’s. Just can’t seem to get there recently. Not that I play a lot, maybe 1-2 times per week MAX, but still… I hunger for a victory!

Apology:

CTRLmjolnir… I still haven’t given you your prize for the contest I held a month ago… I need your contact information so I can hook you up with that BoP!

Confession:

I can’t seem to find ANY of my M12 boxes! I had a ton of cards just sitting in 2x open M12 booster boxes and I can’t find EITHER of them! I KNOW that I have a few Angelic Destinies and mythics in there and I want them bad!

Apology:

To my old G.I. Joes. I’m sorry that my brother and I used to burn your faces off and throw you into bon-fires to melt you. Emperor Palpatine, although you also got thrown into the fires, I do not apologize to you. You’re evil, so you deserved it. (Though I wish I still had you my precious Star Wars figurines from the 80’s!)

Confession:

Ever since I got my iPhone I’ve tripled my bathroom time. On the plus side, I’m REALLY good at “Cleopatra’s Pyramid” and am level 176 in “King of Trinidor”.

Apology:

To my cat Tifa, for whatever I did to you that makes you flee in terror at every sign of movement… :*(.

Confession:

I really want to make a self-mill deck, but don’t want to be “that guy who plays the self-mill deck”.

Apology:

To my Orgg collection. Not only have I NOT found a new Orgg to add to you in a while, but I also wrote a travesty of a blog post about you here: The True, Uncensored History of Orgg

Confession:

I once broke the Marvel.com website when I was in computer programming. There was a contest where you vote for what hero you want to win for a crossover called “Contest of Champions”. It was Daredevil vs. Deadpool, and I really liked Deadpool. I viewed their source code (this was > 10 years ago), copied the formula, made my own “submit button” which every time I clicked it would give Deadpool +10 votes. I crashed the site. They re-did the contest and Deadpool won! Yay, take THAT Daredevil!!

Apology:

For taking you out of your element and making you read things not entirely magic related!

Cheers,
Carl Szalich

The True, Uncensored History of ORGG

You all KNEW this day was coming… when we look at the mythical creature type: ORGG in all of its ungodly splendor! This is the story WotC didn’t want you to know… the TRUE origin of the biggest badasses to stalk Dominaria and the blind mists!

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ORGG	Once upon a time, there was a young weak and puny goblin by the name of Gwark. Gwark was a magician, and studied under many of the greatest Goblin Shamans of his time. The other goblins used to laugh at Gwark and call him names, they never let poor Gwark join in any goblin games. “You’re too weak!” “You’re too slow!” “You’re a good for nothing louse!” They would say of him. “Why can’t you be strong and brave like all the other goblins?” His mother would rant and scold. One day poor Gwark had had enough! He decided to brew up a potion of giant strength to finally show his brother goblins what he could do! Unfortunately, Gwark was still a goblin at heart, and his magic was flawed at best. The potion gave him the power that he’d always wanted, but twisted and warped his little body into the beast that you see before you. As his strength increased, his mental faculties decreased exponentially. While he was once considered intelligent (by goblin standards at least), he was reduced to a mindless beast, all muscle and no brains. The transformation brought him to madness, and he went on a murderous spree slaughtering all who stood in his path and in the end, his entire village. When his red rage subsided and he realized what he’d done, he forsook his goblin heritage forever, as he was no longer one of them. He was… an ORGG.
TRAINED ORGG	News of Gwark and his experiment reached the other goblin settlements, and curiosity peaked the attention of a particularity malevolent fellow by the name of Gruffgruff. Gruffgruff trekked to Gwarks old village and amongst it’s ruins found Gwarks old diary, and the “recipe” that he used to transmogrify into the Orgg. Gruffgruff painstakingly replicated Gwarks recipe, and thought about how best to use it to his advantage. His greed gave him the perfect idea! That night he contacted a neighboring human settlement with a strange and cruel proposition. He could make them the ultimate army… for a price. Negotiations completed, Gruffgruff returned to his village. He stealthily poured a huge batch of Gwarks potion into the local well and waited. By the next morning the entire village (save himself) had been transformed into Orggs. As arranged, the humans arrived with nets, snares and traps and went about catching the newly transformed goblins. With whips and chains they went about training their new army, under the direct supervision of the evil traitor Gruffgruff. By the time the Orggs were able to obey the most basic commands, Gruffgruff was ready to be paid. The humans had no more use for Gruffgruff and recognized that if he’d betray his own people, he’d betray them as well. They banished him from their town and withheld his gold. “You’ll regret this!” Gruffgruff fumed as he stalked away into the wilderness…
BUTCHER ORGG	Gruffgruff hungered for revenge, and his little mind spun with ideas on how to make the humans suffer. In a moment of clarity it came to him: finish Gwarks work. Become the ORGG that Gwark had failed to achieve and lay waste to his enemies! A new recipe in hand, he returned to the town that had forsaken him. “Give me what’s mine or suffer the consequences!” Gruffgruff announced at the town gate. The sentries laughed at him. “What are you going to do if we DON’T little man?” they jeered. Gruffgruff had expected this response, and in an act of self-destruction he gulped down his potion. His body shook and muscles exploded out of places where they shouldn’t have been. Gruffgruff was transformed into a fearsome BUTCHER ORGG. He charged the ramparts and easily splintered the heavy wooden gates. He trampled through the initial onslaught of guards until he was face to faces with the trained Orggs he was responsible for creating. “My brothers! My friends! Show mercy!” Gruffgruff pleaded in a voice that mocked that of his former self. They set upon him and rended him limb from limb, enacting their own revenge in a strange twist of irony. But Gruffgruffs soul was too evil to be destroyed completely, and his black magic kept some semblance of himself anchored to the world he so despised…
SOULGORGER ORGG	Many years passed, and the once enslaved Orggs prospered in the absence of their human “masters”. They bred like faeries, increasing their numbers and strengthening their gene pool. They formed a new, primitive society over the ruins of the old human village and named their new home: “Gwarkholme”, in honor of the first Orgg, Gwark. They were finally at peace. It wasn’t until a roving band of human outcasts, desperate for food and shelter stopped at their home that their troubles began anew. The human settlers were allowed to live in peace and tolerance within Gwarkholme, as the Orggs did not want to treat the humans as poorly as they themselves had been treated. They had learned from their brief time in captivity to be kind to others, because they knew what it felt like to be ostracized and abused. As the humans and their Orgg comrades flourished, a darkness seemed to permeate throughout the town. Orggs and humans alike went missing in the middle of the night, never to be seen alive again. There were talks of a huge, ugly, beastly Orgg being seen in the woods nearby, and the townsfolk could hear a bloodcurdling roar at times in the wee hours of the night. They could take it no more. A small party of Orggs and humans, led by the charismatic “Orggmaster C” ventured into the forest to investigate and destroy this rogue Orgg who they were sure was the cause of the disappearances. Just as they were about to give up, a particularly savvy Orgg breeder by the name of Dobbs noticed a small cave in the side of a mountain. Venturing inside they came face to face with what was left of Gruffgruff… his essence having been partially restored in the form of a fearsome SOULGORGER ORGG! Gruffgruff unleashed his magic and attacked the party with his powerful new form, but he was no match for the combined might of the heroic defenders. They knew they couldn’t kill him, so they imprisoned him in the cave and collapsed the entry, sealing him forever within the mountain. To this day you can still sometimes hear a muffled roar in the quietest hour of darkness near Gwarkholme, a sign that Gruffgruff is still out there… somewhere… waiting to be born again!

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BONUS!!

Thus ends the tale of the ORGGs. How they came to be, and where they are now. But there is another side of this story… a side WotC didn’t want you to know! What of the human defenders of the town? What about their tales of woe and success? Though many have furthered the cause of the Orggs, there were a few who stood out in the annals of history that deserve individual recognition. Let the heavens praise these few, these proud few who stood up in the face of adversity and helped the Orggs reach their new level of greatness!

 The Diplomat 	The Seductress
The Warrior	The Farmer 

Cheers,

Orggmaster C!



Goblin Matron vs. Cenobites... the Porno! :P

Something about the 7^th edition Goblin Matron turns me on. I don’t know if it’s because she’s the only foil version, or if it’s because of that full body suit that she’s wearing. Whatever it is… damn, that’s just sexy!

How can you say "no" to that face?

I had a dream last night about her and my Girlfriend. They were both wearing that skin tight leopard print and holding those little whips / beating sticks. The dream can best be summed up with a quote from Hellraiser:

“I thought I'd gone to the limits. I hadn't. The Cenobites gave me an experience beyond limits... pain and pleasure, indivisible.” – Frank Cotton

Replace “Cenobites” with “Goblin Matron / Girlfriend” and you’ve got the idea!

Back in the day I thought “Serra Angel” was a hottie (c’mon, no need to lie... I think we all did!) but I think now the sexualization of women has gone too far! How can anyone resist that delicate, succulent pot belly that the Goblin Matron is sporting? The way that her stomach rolls gracefully like a bubbling brook, and hangs low like a biker who’s been drinking too many beers is like a feast for the eyes!

And how can we neglect to mention the amazing job she does with her makeup? Clearly she’s an easy, breezy cover girl! I know that the first thing that I look for in a woman is a clown face. If she doesn’t have two rosy cheeks and blue eye shadow akin to that of Mimi from the Drew Carrey show I won’t even give her a chance!

She's hot... just not Goblin Matron hot!

That face… that beautiful face! Like a crescent moon drawn by a child, it is truly adorable! When you move in for a kiss just be sure not to poke out an eye out on her sharp nose, or cut yourself on her dagger like chin, but hey! The cenobites have all the answers again!

"Down the dark decades of your pain, this will seem like a memory of Heaven." – Pinhead

"Demons to some, Angels to others."

Oh Pinhead, you are soooooo wise! I’ll bet you have a LOT of experience with the goblin matron… maybe she’s even shown YOU a thing or two?

Pinhead: “...”

Wow, when even Pinhead is at a loss for words it makes me think he’s hiding something! Maybe he’s even… scared?

Pinhead: "Oh I'll enjoy making you bleed.  And I'll enjoy making you enjoy it."

You jest! But back to the Goblin Matron and her bounteous body. If you’re careful in your observations (as I am!) you’ll also notice her greasy, silver hair, tied in a tight granny bun behind her pointed ears. She’s old… so she’s experienced! Taking a page from Pinheads repertoire you might even say that she has “such sights to show us”! How about it Pinny-my-man? Did you appreciate the reference?

Pinhead: “Just come here and die child, while you still have the option of doing it quickly.”

LOL you can wine and dine me some other time my demonic ally, this is serious business we’re discussing here! And we just got to the best parts! Look at her child bearing hips, and her enormous bosom! You know if she turned around that she’s just GOT to be sporting a tight Badunkadunk. I’d love to get my mitts on a piece of THAT! A Tim Hortons coffee in one hand and a nice slice of buttocks in the other is the way I dream of spending a Saturday afternoon, right Pinner old pal?

Pinhead? Buddy? You still here?

:*(